Stifle
12-23-2013, 02:46 AM
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HEY GUYS AND GIRLS. Are you looking to read a wall of text where people describe their lines of play while discussing intricate rounds of interaction?!?!?!?!! WELL SUCK MY DICK. IF you are expecting a report featuring everyone's favorite boring seamen with Pro-masturbate in front of your opponent unless he's on Black and equip them on stupid japanese forks... THEN uh, well I guess this isn't the right report for you. Sorry about that. I've been on and off magic more times than Lindsay Lohan's checked herself into a rehab clinic but one thing that has not changed is my love for heroin making my opponent lose before I do.
So anyway I had a lucid dream where I successfully created a Time Machine to go back in time to 2011 so I could play six mana enchantments in Magic Tournaments and be successful with it. But I met the Based God and he bitchslapped me all the way back to 2013 telling me to stop playing Eldrazis and play more Sphinxes. I urinated on the floor and woke up. (IN THAT ORDER I THINK?!)
Hive Mind 2.0
Lands: 19
5 Island
4 Ancient Tomb
4 Polluted Delta
3 Flooded Strand
2 City of Traitors
1 Volcanic Island
Spells: 38
4 Show and Tell
4 Hive Mind
4 Force of Will
4 Brainstorm
4 Pact of the Titan
4 Pact of Negation
4 Ponder
3 Grim Monolith
3 Misdirection
2 Gitaxian Probe
2 Intuition
Creatures: 3
3 Consecrated Sphinx
Sideboard: 15
3 Back to Basics
3 Ensnaring Bridge
3 Grafdigger's Cage
2 Vendilion Clique
2 Fire/Ice
1 Pyroclasm
1 Misdirection
ROUND 1: vs. 5 COLOR VETERAN EXPLORER CABAL THERAPY DOOMSDAY WILD DOGS FETCHLAND TENDRILS
GAME 1
My opponent is either Bill Bellamy, Ellen Degeneres, Miley Cyrus or Jesus with blonde hair and a beard. Either way he is awesome. And so is his deck. Because I lost Game 1 after he dissected my hand into oblivion with Cabal Therapy. And Doomsday. And Gitaxian Probe. And Ideas Unbound. AND CYCLING WILD DOGS TO SYPHON MY SOUL WITH TENDRILS.
Pro-tip: You can't play Magic without a hand. (Unless you're a pirate)
Addendum: He had like 12 mana when he went off by the way. I don't even know how. He just played cards and I sat like a child with eyes wide open giddy/in awe like I met Santa Claus for the first time.
Wild Dogs: 1
Me: 0
GAME 2
He conceded when I drew ALL THE CARDS and countered ALL THE SPELLS with a resolved Sphinx.
Wild Dogs: 1
GROUPTHINK: 1
GAME 3
See game 2.
Wild Dogs: 1
SHITTY 1984 REFERENCE: 2
1-0-0
ROUND 2: vs. green freaks that should actually be green cards because they are green but are actually red because WotC is confusing as fuck (seriously Wizards, you dun fucked up)
GAME 1
Brain: I HATE THESE FUCKERS THEY JUST KEEP ATTACKING AND TAPPING MY LANDS AND NOT LET ME LET MY OPPONENT LOSE BEFORE I DO.
Mouth: Resolves.
GAME 2
Brain: OMG WTF WHY AM I GETTING RAPED BY THESE HIDEOUS CREATURES. WHY IS SPHINX NOT EMRAKUL WHEN I CAN PUT IT INTO PLAY?! BASED GOD, HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?! THIS SUCKS MORE INTERSEX GENITALS THAN A THAI PROSTITUTION RING.
Mouth: gg
1-1-0
ROUND 3: vs. 3 COLOR 6 MILLION CARD ADVANTAGE.dec
GAME 1
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6250617344/hA87F980A/
He was dolan. I was bogs.
GAME 2
I was dolan. He was bogs. But only after I resolved Hive Mind and we both drew cards from Ancestral Visions coming off of suspend. And then he Maelstrom Pulsed the Hive Mind and then my copy blew up both of his Deathrite Shitheads. And then I played another Hive Mind. And then his second Ancestral Visions came off of suspend and we both drew cards again. And then he passed. And then my pact made him lose before I did.
GAME 3
I was dolan? He was bogs? Vendilion Clique from my sideboard attacks 6 turns in a row to win the game??????
2-1-0
ROUND 4: vs. ESTUPIDOBLADE
GAME 1
1: Hold Counters/Gather Combo Pieces
2: ???
3: PROFIT!!!!
GAME 2
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BcIa8yjCYAA_pyB.jpg:large
SWAG ON A HUNNED MILLION TRILLION
3-1-0
ROUND 5: vs. PATRIOTIC FARTMUNCHERS
GAME 1
i fought the good fight and the good guys won. (THIS ONE'S FOR YOU BEN PERRY!)
GAME 2
i fought the good fight and i lost to myself when i could not pay for TWO BITCHES (more commonly known as Pacts) on the same turn my opponent was swinging for lethal AND SO I BURIED MYSELF IN THE GUCCI STORE.
GAME 3
We played a fascinating and grueling game of Magic that had a lot of interaction, counters and cantrips along the way. My opponent managed to dwindle my life total to a meager 9 life while I was sitting with 2 blue sources, an Ancient Tomb, a City of Traitors and a Grim Monolith. My hand held a Brainstorm, a Pact of Negation and a Hive Mind. My opponent was tapped out with four lands in play. I knew he had Spell Pierce and Lightning Bolt in hand from my Vendilion Clique the turn before. I cast Brainstorm and proceed to almost shit myself before I realize that I punted the game. If I had only cast the Hive Mind, played Brainstorm and Pact of Negation-ed the cantrip, I would have won this turn. Instead, I draw 2 lands and a Brainstorm from my huge misplay. I put the two lands back, keep Brainstorm and pass. My opponent attacks me with an Insectile Aberration and plays a Lightning Bolt to drop me down to 1 life with 3 lands open, he passes the turn. I draw my card, cast Brainstorm and while maintaining priority, I cast Pact of Negation targeting my own Brainstorm. He has a Pact of Negation on the stack that he lets resolve targeting my Brainstorm when he could have Spell Pierced his own copy instead. I explain this line of play to him after the game and he gave me the impression that he'll never lose to another Hive Mind trigger like this again.
4-1-0
ROUND 6: ESTUPIDOBLADE AGAIN
HEY LET'S DRAW BECAUSE YOU'RE 7TH AND I'M 8TH AND I WANT TO GO HOME AND DO OTHER SHIT
4-1-1
AFTERMATH
I went 4-1-1 drawing into 9th on breakers at 8th because playing 2 more hours of Magical cards would have made me hate this game. I hope you got there Harrison. I signed my slip for prizes, ate caveman food, came home AND HAD TIME TO MASTURBATE JOG BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/Thank+You+Based+God.png
I hope you all enjoyed my Donald Glover impression. Shout-out to the staff and judges at Knightware who have made the tournament experiences great as always. Thanks for the awesome playmat!
(Updated Hive Mind Primer on the Hive Mind thread coming soonish!)
HEY GUYS AND GIRLS. Are you looking to read a wall of text where people describe their lines of play while discussing intricate rounds of interaction?!?!?!?!! WELL SUCK MY DICK. IF you are expecting a report featuring everyone's favorite boring seamen with Pro-masturbate in front of your opponent unless he's on Black and equip them on stupid japanese forks... THEN uh, well I guess this isn't the right report for you. Sorry about that. I've been on and off magic more times than Lindsay Lohan's checked herself into a rehab clinic but one thing that has not changed is my love for heroin making my opponent lose before I do.
So anyway I had a lucid dream where I successfully created a Time Machine to go back in time to 2011 so I could play six mana enchantments in Magic Tournaments and be successful with it. But I met the Based God and he bitchslapped me all the way back to 2013 telling me to stop playing Eldrazis and play more Sphinxes. I urinated on the floor and woke up. (IN THAT ORDER I THINK?!)
Hive Mind 2.0
Lands: 19
5 Island
4 Ancient Tomb
4 Polluted Delta
3 Flooded Strand
2 City of Traitors
1 Volcanic Island
Spells: 38
4 Show and Tell
4 Hive Mind
4 Force of Will
4 Brainstorm
4 Pact of the Titan
4 Pact of Negation
4 Ponder
3 Grim Monolith
3 Misdirection
2 Gitaxian Probe
2 Intuition
Creatures: 3
3 Consecrated Sphinx
Sideboard: 15
3 Back to Basics
3 Ensnaring Bridge
3 Grafdigger's Cage
2 Vendilion Clique
2 Fire/Ice
1 Pyroclasm
1 Misdirection
ROUND 1: vs. 5 COLOR VETERAN EXPLORER CABAL THERAPY DOOMSDAY WILD DOGS FETCHLAND TENDRILS
GAME 1
My opponent is either Bill Bellamy, Ellen Degeneres, Miley Cyrus or Jesus with blonde hair and a beard. Either way he is awesome. And so is his deck. Because I lost Game 1 after he dissected my hand into oblivion with Cabal Therapy. And Doomsday. And Gitaxian Probe. And Ideas Unbound. AND CYCLING WILD DOGS TO SYPHON MY SOUL WITH TENDRILS.
Pro-tip: You can't play Magic without a hand. (Unless you're a pirate)
Addendum: He had like 12 mana when he went off by the way. I don't even know how. He just played cards and I sat like a child with eyes wide open giddy/in awe like I met Santa Claus for the first time.
Wild Dogs: 1
Me: 0
GAME 2
He conceded when I drew ALL THE CARDS and countered ALL THE SPELLS with a resolved Sphinx.
Wild Dogs: 1
GROUPTHINK: 1
GAME 3
See game 2.
Wild Dogs: 1
SHITTY 1984 REFERENCE: 2
1-0-0
ROUND 2: vs. green freaks that should actually be green cards because they are green but are actually red because WotC is confusing as fuck (seriously Wizards, you dun fucked up)
GAME 1
Brain: I HATE THESE FUCKERS THEY JUST KEEP ATTACKING AND TAPPING MY LANDS AND NOT LET ME LET MY OPPONENT LOSE BEFORE I DO.
Mouth: Resolves.
GAME 2
Brain: OMG WTF WHY AM I GETTING RAPED BY THESE HIDEOUS CREATURES. WHY IS SPHINX NOT EMRAKUL WHEN I CAN PUT IT INTO PLAY?! BASED GOD, HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?! THIS SUCKS MORE INTERSEX GENITALS THAN A THAI PROSTITUTION RING.
Mouth: gg
1-1-0
ROUND 3: vs. 3 COLOR 6 MILLION CARD ADVANTAGE.dec
GAME 1
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6250617344/hA87F980A/
He was dolan. I was bogs.
GAME 2
I was dolan. He was bogs. But only after I resolved Hive Mind and we both drew cards from Ancestral Visions coming off of suspend. And then he Maelstrom Pulsed the Hive Mind and then my copy blew up both of his Deathrite Shitheads. And then I played another Hive Mind. And then his second Ancestral Visions came off of suspend and we both drew cards again. And then he passed. And then my pact made him lose before I did.
GAME 3
I was dolan? He was bogs? Vendilion Clique from my sideboard attacks 6 turns in a row to win the game??????
2-1-0
ROUND 4: vs. ESTUPIDOBLADE
GAME 1
1: Hold Counters/Gather Combo Pieces
2: ???
3: PROFIT!!!!
GAME 2
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BcIa8yjCYAA_pyB.jpg:large
SWAG ON A HUNNED MILLION TRILLION
3-1-0
ROUND 5: vs. PATRIOTIC FARTMUNCHERS
GAME 1
i fought the good fight and the good guys won. (THIS ONE'S FOR YOU BEN PERRY!)
GAME 2
i fought the good fight and i lost to myself when i could not pay for TWO BITCHES (more commonly known as Pacts) on the same turn my opponent was swinging for lethal AND SO I BURIED MYSELF IN THE GUCCI STORE.
GAME 3
We played a fascinating and grueling game of Magic that had a lot of interaction, counters and cantrips along the way. My opponent managed to dwindle my life total to a meager 9 life while I was sitting with 2 blue sources, an Ancient Tomb, a City of Traitors and a Grim Monolith. My hand held a Brainstorm, a Pact of Negation and a Hive Mind. My opponent was tapped out with four lands in play. I knew he had Spell Pierce and Lightning Bolt in hand from my Vendilion Clique the turn before. I cast Brainstorm and proceed to almost shit myself before I realize that I punted the game. If I had only cast the Hive Mind, played Brainstorm and Pact of Negation-ed the cantrip, I would have won this turn. Instead, I draw 2 lands and a Brainstorm from my huge misplay. I put the two lands back, keep Brainstorm and pass. My opponent attacks me with an Insectile Aberration and plays a Lightning Bolt to drop me down to 1 life with 3 lands open, he passes the turn. I draw my card, cast Brainstorm and while maintaining priority, I cast Pact of Negation targeting my own Brainstorm. He has a Pact of Negation on the stack that he lets resolve targeting my Brainstorm when he could have Spell Pierced his own copy instead. I explain this line of play to him after the game and he gave me the impression that he'll never lose to another Hive Mind trigger like this again.
4-1-0
ROUND 6: ESTUPIDOBLADE AGAIN
HEY LET'S DRAW BECAUSE YOU'RE 7TH AND I'M 8TH AND I WANT TO GO HOME AND DO OTHER SHIT
4-1-1
AFTERMATH
I went 4-1-1 drawing into 9th on breakers at 8th because playing 2 more hours of Magical cards would have made me hate this game. I hope you got there Harrison. I signed my slip for prizes, ate caveman food, came home AND HAD TIME TO MASTURBATE JOG BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/Thank+You+Based+God.png
I hope you all enjoyed my Donald Glover impression. Shout-out to the staff and judges at Knightware who have made the tournament experiences great as always. Thanks for the awesome playmat!
(Updated Hive Mind Primer on the Hive Mind thread coming soonish!)