An Untimely Malfunction — Red Painter at the London ELMQ

An Untimely Malfunction — Red Painter at the London ELMQ
European Legacy Masters Qualifier at Dark Sphere, London on 26 April 2025

Moxfield decklist link

Maindeck
2 Agatha's Soul Cauldron
4 Ancient Tomb
1 Chaos Defiler
2 City of Traitors
1 Ensnaring Bridge
4 Fable of the Mirror-Breaker
4 Goblin Engineer
4 Goblin Welder
2 Great Furnace
2 Grindstone
1 Lavaspur Boots
3 Lightning Bolt
1 Lotus Petal
9 Mountain
1 Mox Opal
4 Painter's Servant
1 Phyrexian Dragon Engine
4 Pyroblast
2 Red Elemental Blast
3 Simian Spirit Guide
1 Soul-Guide Lantern
4 Urza's Saga

Sideboard
1 Blood Moon
1 Disruptor Flute
1 Ensnaring Bridge
3 Fury
2 Magus of the Moon
2 Mindbreak Trap
1 Pithing Needle
2 Soul-Guide Lantern
2 Untimely Malfunction

https://i.ibb.co/1Ggy04N6/IMG-2006-copy.jpg

So, here we are: an ELM qualifier just down the road from me at Dark Sphere in Shepherd's Bush. In the run-up to the event I went back and forth on whether to play old reliable (Red Painter) or something new and funky (a not-quite-there Samwise the Stouthearted painter list I've been working on), and after a couple of brutal losses with the white list I decided to register good old mono-red painter, with goblins and Agatha's Soul Cauldron — none of this newfangled One Ring nonsense. Even though The One Ring is obviously a wildly powerful card, I prefer the play patterns with Goblin Welder and Engineer, and you pick up points vs non-white removal and tempo by being low-to-the-ground and better against Daze. Chaos Defiler is nice against Show and Tell, which I expected to be popular, so having the Welder to utilise it and protect your Ensnaring Bridges felt like a good place to be.

I knew I wanted to be playing as many Lightning Bolts and Pyroblasts/Red Elemental Blasts as I could fit in, and ended up just short of my ideal 10 (7 blasts/3 bolts) on 6 blasts/3 bolts, following a maindeck list that Maxwell (uburdub) has been successful with of late. Having recently played some Blue Painter (and top-8ing April's LLM a couple of weeks ago), and having been impressed with Lavaspur Boots, it was nice to have it in the 60. The last maindeck decision was around Agatha's Soul Cauldron, or rather Phyrexian Devourer. Even though it's nice having access to another combo, drawing Devourer is so bad that I was happy to cut it. Two copies of Cauldron makes it more of a value piece, letting you rebuy Goblins in grindy games, as well as being serviceable incidental graveyard hate.

In terms of the sideboard, Maxwell's list was running Leyline of the Void, which I'm not keen on. The decks that you want Leyline against, like Oops, are already primed to beat permanent hate because you have Soul-Guide Lantern and because your combo is artifact-based, so you want to mix it up a little bit. Two extra SGLs and two Mindbreak Traps took their place. I also split 3 Blood Moons into 2 Magus + 1 Moon as a concession to Force of Vigor, which always comes in against you anyway.

Anyway, I got home a little after midnight on Friday night, a few beers down, and realised I'd probably better assemble my deck and write my list there and then so that I could just roll out of bed and rock up to the tournament. No electronic submission meant a handwritten decklist, so I included my DCI number to complete the throwback. All set, I went to bed looking forward to blasting as many blue spells as possible.

Round 1 – Alexis Bonazzi on Lands

After cycling to the venue with a few minutes to spare, pairings went up for round one. I didn't know what Alexis would be playing, so as far as I recall I kept a reasonably fair hand with a Welder, Painter and Blast while she mulliganed to 6. She was on the play and opened with a Windswept Heath, fetching a Lush Portico before making a Mox Diamond and an Urza's Saga. We passed back and forth and she made a construct and attacked, but I blasted one of her Moxen and welded it out for the construct. She didn't have a land to discard to it, so it went back to the yard, and when I welded the two Moxen for each other after untapping she scooped.

Game 2 was a lot more back-and-forth but again centered around Saga. I had a reasonably fast combo with blast backup, but she had Swords (which I answered) and Endurance (which I didn't) while she beat down with a pair of constructs. I combo'd again on my next turn but she untapped and hardcast another Endurance, and I was out of blockers to stop the constructs coming in.

Game 3 saw her make a Sphere of Resistance and a Tabernacle, but I was able to pay for my Painter and keep applying pressure with Grindstone off a Saga a few turns later. I thought for a bit and passed, playing around Force of Vigor, and she drew a Yavimaya and played a Disruptor Flute. I activated Grindstone in response, at which point she tried to pitch-cast Force of Vigor. Alas, being her turn, the Force couldn't be cast and I took the match.

After the match we had a nice chat about different Painter variants — turns out she usually plays Black Painter with the Helm of Obedience combo as well.

1-0 I’m a People of the Woods

Round 2 – Alejandro de la Torre on Grixis Control

I watched my good friend Francis lose a close game to Alejandro in turns of Round 1, so I knew he was on Grixis Control. It's funny, this matchup used to be horrible and I have many sour memories of losing to Snapcaster+Kolagan's Command, but somehow things have changed and it feels like you present too many 2-for-1s for the control deck to keep up with while having blasts to answer their blue threats and Ensnaring Bridge for the non-blue ones.

I lost the die roll and kept an unmemorable 7. I made a pair of Welders and a Fable while he made a Barrowgoyf and started attacking. A Soul Cauldron came down to manage the Barrowgoyf while I played Saga and made a pair of constructs. A Narset got eaten by my team and ASC grew my Reflection out of Lightning Bolt range (revealed by the Narset), and that was pretty much that.

Game 2 saw Alejandro mulligan to 6, play a fetch and pass. I kept a hand with a Painter, some blasts and a Dragon Engine. I play mountain and pass, he fetches Undercity Sewers and bins a non-land card before passing without playing a second land. I play Ancient Tomb into Painter, which he tries to push in my end-step. I respond by blasting his land. He doesn't find a second and loses to Dragon Engine beats.

2-0 I’m a Zombie Mob

Round 3 – Joshua Tovell on Mystic Forge

This was the final round before a half-hour lunch break, so of course we got deck-checked and had a 15-minute wait before the round started. We spent the time having an interesting chat about the the philosophical nature of music criticism and the merits of "good" vs "bad" art (right up my street), so that was a nice break from slinging cards. Fortunately, both of our decks were in good order, so we got right to playing. I kept a very fair hand with a Blast, a Welder and some other stuff and got combo'd out by Karn + Paradox Engine + Walking Ballista in no time.

Forge is a horrible matchup, so I sideboarded aggressively into cards to try and cope with the range of threats that deck presents, including the needle effects for Ring and Fury for Karn. I don't know exactly how the early turns played out, but I was able to attack a Karn down with a Welder and a Painter. He found a Fleshraker and started trying to ping me before I pointed out that his Lotus Petal was in fact blue, not colourless. A timely Untimely Malfunction on a Grim Monolith being targeted by a Manifold Key made him stumble enough to force a third game.

For game 3, I wasn't delighted with my 7 but felt priced into keeping it because of the Disruptor Flute, and was able to answer Josh's turn 1 Monolith into Key + Ring with a Disruptor Flute and a Goblin Welder off Ancient Tomb + Lotus Petal. The game got quite grindy after that, coming to a dramatic finale after time on the round had been called with him having a third Mystic Forge after I welded the first two out for spare Paradox Engines into a Kozilek's Command for 30. I actually could have done it sooner, with a spare Ring that had been legend ruled earlier in the turn, but hadn't clocked. He won on 4 life, so it was very close — but no dice, and the deck check left us little time for lunch. Time to refocus and win out.

2-1 I’m a Feisty Stegosaurus

Round 4 – David van Loo on Beans

I win the die roll. We go back and forth for a bit, with my combo piece getting bound into a leyline, before I make a construct and a PDE. David miracles a Triumph of St. Katherine, which I reckon I can race, but a second Triumph puts a stop to that. I trade off for the two Triumphs and go for a Grindstone mill to try and knock them out of the top 7. I hit Triumph+Swords into Solitude+Triumph into two more white cards, while David puts a Bowmaster in play. I untap and make an Ensnaring Bridge off an Ancient Tomb, putting me to 8. David escapes an Uro before finding the third Leyline Binding for my Bridge and attacking me for exactly 8.

I keep a hand with Engineer, Blood Moon and Pyroblast, figuring that I can sequence my threats so that he's priced into trading unfavourably for them. My turn 2 Engineer meets a Force of Will while my turn 3 Blood Moon eats a Force of Vigor, but after I hardcast a Fury as a threat he Ponders looking for answers. He finds a Hydroblast, which I Pyroblast, and I get the soul-read that he has a Kathy on top so I Grindstone him. He shuffles in response, but finds nothing and I ride the 3/3 double strike to victory.

For game 3 I keep a hand with a pair of sagas and other stuff. We trade resources until I have a board of three 7/7 constructs plus the rare third-mode Untimely Malfunction to swing past his Kathy for the win.

3-1 I’m a Saddleback Lagac

Round 5 – Danni Thompson on Cephalid Breakfast

Again I have no idea what Danni is playing and lose the die roll, keeping a fair Fable hand with a Welder and a Saga, but no interaction. Danni plays cantrip into Nomads into Illusionist. I left up red mana to try and bluff a blast but to no avail — she combos me and I lose.

Game 2 sees me with a bit more interaction and a fast combo of my own — I'm able to proc a Saga into Grindstone with Painter in play while she has no green sources, so I can Grindstone without fear of Memory's Journey (which I saw in game 1).

Game 3 has us both mulliganing, me to 6 and Danni to 5. I have two Sagas, and the first goes off fetching SGL — she has a Nomads in play and I've already blasted one Illusionist, so I'm worried about her finding a second and comboing me. She untaps, Brainstorms, and then Prismatic Endings my SGL. I draw a card in response but am tapped out. She taps out to play a second Illusionist and combos, but I have the Mindbreak Trap and cast a Soul Cauldron on my turn to eat the Oracle before she can untap and Memory's Journey it back. Notably, I probably should have countered the Illusionist, but I wasn't keeping proper track of how many spells she'd cast and didn't want to telegraph the trap by asking. Oops. Better lucky than good, I guess.

4-1 I’m an Unstoppable Ogre

Round 6 – Daniel Jovic on Sneak and Show

Thankfully, this round is a swift handshake and ID into the top 8. I didn't come here wanting to play against S&S, so I'm glad to have dodged it. The top 3 tables have all ID'd, including Francis, so he and I head outside for some fresh air and sunshine while the 9- and 10-pointers battle it out. As we’re sitting on the grass of Shepherd’s Bush Green, a falcon swoops in and picks up a starling for its dinner, but a large crow intervenes and the starling escapes. When we get back to the shop for the top 8 announcement, our resident classicist Jamie says it must have been an omen — but at that stage, we’re not sure what the omen is of. Who will be the falcon, and who will be the crow?

4-1-1 I’m a Goblin Rally

Top 8

There's an anonymous vote on whether to split the top 8 prizes equally, which everyone agrees to. A few of the players have come from further afield but can't make ELM. By chance, the bracket works out such that the four people who don't want the invite are paired against the four people who do, so we skip straight to the semi-finals.

The top 8 meta looked quite hostile, so this was a pretty lucky break for me. My Round 3 Forge opponent, as well as two S&S players made it in, but the former and one of the latter dropped so I got paired against UR Delver while the other semi-final was RUG Delver vs S&S.

Semi-final – Josh Fry on UR Delver

I'm the lower seed so I'm on the draw, and my notepad shows me going down to 6 in game 1 from Cori-Steel Cutter beats, but he’s forced to Nimble Obstructionist my Saga-construct trigger so that I can’t block. Ultimately, he doesn't find enough interaction and I combo off via Saga with the old "hold-priority, weld it out" trick for the win.

For the second game, we trade resources back and forth. I think I kept a hand with multiple Sagas, a Goblin and some interaction. I sequence my non-basics to try and draw out a Wasteland and then commit hard to the Sagas because it’s all my hand really does. He can’t find answers to them and I get to make a few beefy constructs. Facing down lethal, he Ponders, shuffles, and I cut, hoping not to present him with what would be a devastating Meltdown. He draws … and concedes. I ask him afterwards if that’s what he was looking for and it turns out he didn’t even register any.

5-1-1 my opponent is a Hunted Phantasm

Final – Francis Cowper on RUG Delver

Well, well, well. Obviously I'm delighted that Francis has also made it to the finals, added to which he saved me from the lopsided matchup that is Sneak & Show, but I'm also very conscious of the fact that Francis is a very good player with lots of experience playing Painter, often against me. I can genuinely say that I'd be happy with either of us qualifying, but of course I want to win.

I'm on the play because he was 8th and I was 7th in the standings, and the game unfolds slowly. I keep a hand with three Blasts and a Bolt, plus a Mountain, Saga and Welder. I kill his early DRC and Delver, then am able to do the old "exile-your-graveyard-after-DRC-had-to-attack" and block with Painter. He answers my Painter after I blast his Wasteland to make way for my Saga, and I make a pair of large constructs that beat him down to 4. I feel like I'm sitting pretty at 15 life, but he has exactly enough spells to pump his Questing Druid to an 8/8, attack for 12 alongside his 4/4 Murktide, and Bolt me for the win.

Up against it, I keep another hand with a lot of interaction, plus a Fable and Mountain + Ancient Tomb. I consider mulliganing, because getting my Ancient Tomb Wastelanded would be pretty rough, but I know that Francis respects Saga very heavily, so I end up keeping. My Fable gets Forced on turn 2, but I'm able to remove all of his threats. We play draw-go for a while, and he's just about able to get rid of each of my threats as they hit the board, with a Meltdown eating a Soul Cauldron and a PDE that I'd hardcast. I'm flooding a bit, but have Blasts, an Untimely Malfunction, a Mox Opal and a Chaos Defiler in hand. I really need a second artifact to cast the Defiler, but Francis finds another DRC which beats me down to 9. End of turn he goes for the Lightning Bolt, which I Malfunction onto the DRC to buy myself more time. He makes another threat, but I finally find a second Great Furnace for my Mox Opal into Defiler. He casts a 4/4 Murktide while I'm at 5 life. I attack him down to 8 with the Defiler but have only found lands 8 and 9, a City and a Tomb. He untaps, attacks for 4 and Chain Lightnings for the win.

Immediately after the game, a spectator asks why I didn't unearth the Dragon Engine. To be honest, I don't know — it was a long game after a long day, and my graveyard was pretty full. I think if I had entombed it off Engineer I would have been more cognisant of it, but because I had hardcast it I wasn't really thinking. Excuses, excuses. As it happens, my top three cards were yet more lands, so it didn't matter, but I was definitely kicking myself. I guess I was the falcon today: close but no dice.

5-2-1 I’m Blot Out the Sky (X=5)
____

So that's it, the most untimely loss coming in the finals. Francis and I collected our prizes, and then headed to the pub upstairs for a couple of drinks together with Jamie, who was still rueing his round 1 loss in the (not-quite) D&T mirror. Shout-out to my pint of Wobbly Bob, a Legendary Ale. (I swear, I'm not making that up.)

Overall, I was really happy with the configuration of my 75. If I'd had to play against S&S, I might have wanted more Disruptor Flute, but that's about it. Everything else proved its worth, more or less, and I felt good about the deck and the results.

Best of luck to Francis and the other qualifiers at ELM. If there's another qualifier I can make, I'll probably give it another shot, but otherwise I might just tag along for the team trios.

Keep painting those happy little trees, folks!

Props

Sahar and the ELM team — for putting together a tournament series as cool as this;
Russell and the Dark Sphere team — for keeping things running smoothly;
the London Legacy Crew — for schlepping all across town to play cards every week;
WotC — for finally banning Sowing Mycospawn and Troll of Khazad-dûm;
Goblin Welder — for being a good little guy, despite wrecking my ashtray;
Untimely Malfunction — for being there on time, every time (more or less); and
the Painter discord — for all your ideas, great and terrible.

Slops

WotC — for taking so long to ban Sowing Mycospawn and Troll of Khazad-dûm;
Orcish Bowmasters — for making lots of fun cards harder to play;
Phyrexian Dragon Engine — for hiding in my graveyard; and
me — for forgetting about my trusty Dragon Engine.