[Report] 0 - 4 at Cuse Against CCB

[Peter_Rotten]

(Once again, complete with pics)

I have a terribly sad report to write. I faced a most devious opponent. An opponent that easily out-played me: his every step was a surprise, a devastating and potentially crippling surprise. But more on that later.

Prelude: I store my head up my ass.
On a whim, I decide to blow-off going to the 1000 Islands with my family and instead go to the Tropical Summer event at Cuse. I pre-reg to save some cash and head out for 1hour&1/2 trip. Of course, when I stop at DunkinDonuts, I realize that I have left my wallet home so end up adding a good 1/2 hour to my trip.



To be nice, I felt that I should not fully embarrass Cuse and play Burning Tog instead of Dreadstill (which, BTW, has added Zach Tartell and his Ichorid deck to the notches on its belt during a casual match).

Here's my list:

Burning Tog
Spells (41):
4 Mogg Fanatic
4 Tarmogoyf
3 Grim Lavamancer
3 Figure of Destiny
3 Keldon Marauder

4 Lightning Bolt
4 Chain Lightning
4 Magma Jet
4 Rift Bolt
3 Fireblast
3 Price of Progress

2 Krosan Grip

Lands (19):
4 Wooded Foothills
2 Bloodstained Mire
4 Taiga
7 Mountain (shhhhh! So sneaky!)
1 Forest

Sideboard (15):
4 Pyroclasm
2 Krosan Grip
2 Shattering Spree
4 Tormod’s Crypt
1 Price of Progress
2 Vexing Shusher

When I do finally get to Cuse and settle down, I decide... dum-dum-dum... TO CHEAT! That is right! For the first time ever in my Magical "career" I make a conscious decision to cheat! Don't judge me - wait until you hear my masterful plan. Looking over my shoulder, sneaking sideways glances at potential Magic busy-bodies, I decide that instead of registering 8 mountains on my deck reg, I will only list 7! Mwahahahahahaha! This, of course, will give me a significant advantage over my unwitting opponents. Brilliance, I name thee... me!

Before Round One starts, I run to Starbucks in the food court, order something that isn't a coffee (actually, I'm not sure what I drank) and pay way too much money for it. At least there was a cute chick with a nice rear in front of me.



Round 1. Me vs. some random guy named DeckCheck
DeckCheck pwns my face, and if I find out the rat who tipped him off to my supersecret cheating plan of dominance, I'll do really bad things to said rat. Well boys and girls, I hope that you have all learned from my example.




After losing to DeckCheck, I sit down to game two (grumble) against my other opponent, who is NOT named DeckCheck but for all I can remember, might as well have been.

G2 - He seems to be playing some sort of control deck with LOTS of nonbasics - yummy, but CounterTop - yucky. I beat with beaters, burn with burn and finally sneak in a game winning PoP. FoD never gets to swing since he met two StPs!

G3 - This game gets tough. I get some early non-Goyf beats in but he starts to stabilize with CounterTop on the table. Not fair. I was all psyched to cast my Shusher, but when he reveals Threads of Disloyalty to counter a Rift Bolt, I fear that I may be losing this one. Oh, what's this? Top deck Grip? I cast my Shusher, he steals it with Threads, and I Grip Threads next turn. (I figure that since he is at a relatively low life, resolved beaters are better than dicking around with CounterBalance). Some rabble-rouser claims that the Shusher will never swing. I sneak a little burn in, and then during his next turn, he has ANOTHER Threads! That's real bad for me because I can't swing with my Fanatic. If only I could... topdeck ANOTHER Grip! Shusher is mine again; fuck you rabble-rouser, fuck you. On his next turn, he casts Vedalken Shackles. SOB! However, he doesn't activate it. There may be hope for you yet, Shusher. On my turn, I cast FoD and make him uncounterable. My opponent activates Shackles to steal my Shusher; however, I soon end the game with Rift Bolt when he is tapped out and I know that he has a 1cc spell on top of the library. Shusher never did swing.

Round 1A. Me vs. my previously mentioned devious opponent, Carousel Center Bathroom. (Bathroom stats kept in this color)

I have no time to run to the food court because the previous games took forever. My eyes are starting to turn yellow.

1-0 (2-1) (0-1)

Round 2. Me vs the Mirror played by someone else not named DeckCheck.

G1 - I see that my opponent has decided to cheat also. He plays more Goyfs than me, but remember that cheaters never prosper. His Goyfs come out early and are small. I kill them. My Goyfs come out later and are this size:



G2 - I love Magic when it gives me the, "WTF does this card do moments." I get that moment when he plays an early Dragon's Claw. Um, yeah. That's sorta techy and sorta really bad for me. Plus the whole Event Area is laughing at me. I'm not too happy about it especially since I sided out my Grips. Then he casts another. Seriously he gains probably 15-20 life between all the red spells being flung around. I give him 2 life to Scry into... double Goyf. Hmm. Goyf doesn't give life, Goyf takes it. ROAR! He then casts a 3rd Claw! Luckily, Goyfies bring it home to Papa. I contemplate Bolting him just for the hell of it.

Round 2A. My little girl bladder vs. Devious Carousel Center Bathroom (Now known as CCB)

I have enough time to run to the bathroom in the food court. Except, I can't find the bathroom. I wander around the food court like total fool - refer to the first pic. However, I eventually top-deck Zach Tartell, Directional Jew, who points out that CCB has played Hidden in Plain Sight. I am relieved but at the price of looking like a total tool. I give this round to CCB.

2-0 (4-1) (0-2)

Round 3. Me vs. some Landstill player named Geoff Smelski or something.

G1 - I'm worried about this match for two reasons. One, it's against Geoff. Two, it's against Smelski. Quick tangent time: I have heard from a reliable source that Geoff likes to commit all sorts of evil acts just for the sake of evil. It is reported that he likes to throw kittens and enjoys kicking over old ladies and then urinating on them (the old ladies, not the kittens).


I, on the other hand, like to rescue kittens from trees and help old ladies across the street and NOT urinate on them (unless they're into that kind of thing).

And now I must say, Geoff, that Karma is a bitch. And boy did Karma decide to bite Geoff hard. He mullies to 5 and leads with Factory. He then does not play another land for a turn or two. His late Wasteland does not help his situation.

G2 - Remember Karma. Well, Geoff, you must of pissed on his grandmama. He didn't like it. Geoff leads with a Factory. Then a Wasteland. Then another Wasteland. I beat with beaters and burn with burn. Google and I have entitled the next picture, "Karma is a Bitch."



(If I have to explain it, then it's probably not funny).

Round 3A. Maybe I shouldn't drink so much vs. CCB again

I run to the CCB and have to breach etiquette by standing next to some old guy at the urinal. Huh? Did he just say something? No... he's grunting. NO - say it's not so! CCB plays the dread planestalker Creepy Old Man Who Grunts at teh Urinal Like He's Whacking Off. I step it up a notch and GTFO ASAP.

Well played, CCB. Well played.



3-0 (6-1) (0-3)

Round 4. Me vs the Mirror. (Seriously, WTF. There were like 5 Goyf Sligh decks here today).

G1 - I keep a 1 land hand but have multiple beaters and burn at 1cc. I quickly top-deck some lands while he gets stuck on 2. We both fry little critters until I get some Goyfs.



G2 - He gets stuck on two lands again. I am such a good player. He does kill my Goyf with double suspended Rift Bolt. I play another.

Round 4A. Maybe it's time to check the prostate vs. CCB

I enter CCB fully prepared this time - or so I thought. The sinks are clear... no perverted old guys in sight. I turn the corner and WTF! Some dude is standing at the kid's urinal with his pants down! His bare ass is totally exposed. He may shave it. I don't know what's going on, but I stand as far away as possible. I'll spare you a pic for this one, but needless to say, I have lost yet another round against CCB..

4-0 (8-1) (0-4)

I draw Rounds 5 and 6.

Semi-Finals vs Landstill - Geoff Smelski again.

Well, I was able to massively out-play Geoff before, so I was hoping to do it again.

G1 - Close, but I end it with a PoP.

G2 - I keep a 1 land hand with a bunch of 1cc spells. Unfortunately, I don't topdeck another land any time soon. I'm still able to get Geoff to one, but see that the game is pretty much out of my hands. I need to topdeck one burn spell that is NOT Fanatic since Geoff has a Meddling Mage naming Fanatic in play. He also has plenty of cards in hand. I top deck a Rift Bolt and suspend it so I can cast a critter (I don't remember which one but I only have 3 lands in play). This, I think may have been a misplay. He kills the critter and then casts another Mage naming Rift Bolt. Frown Town. By time I topdeck anymore burn, he can counter it. His white planeswalker is printed in Asian, so I can't read it but I think it says +1 Loyalty: Target GoyfSligh player loses the game.

G3 - My hand is weak in the gas department. I get him to 5 (I think), but then he resolves the stupid-ass planeswalker again. Watch out for those old ladies, Geoff.

I take home 18 packs of Eventide to see if I can rip open another FoD.

Props:

• FoD for eating StP and burn.
• Dreadstill for continually BigJobbing Cuse. When will you accept that the deck is just teh goodz?

Slops:

• Dictionary.com for having that hair-lip kid on their front page. Look, but don't blame me. (Refresh a few times until you are horrified). And I feel bad for you and everything, kid, but you're still not getting any of my money. Now stop popping up in my Newsweeks and random legitimate websites. It would be one thing if I was surfing for something like Snuff Films. I'd be like, "OK, that's what I get for being a sick fuck," but, Chirst, I just want to spell something correctly.
• Scurrying foxes trying to trick me into running them over.
• Racoon mama trying to commit racoon infanticide by running her little ones across the street while I'm driving.
• CCB
• Copycats running my deck
• Smelski for peeing on old ladies
• Typos. Fuck you. I know you're there. (HA! That's not how you spell "legitamate!")

[J.V.]

Bravo, good show old chap.

[Zach Tartell]

The pictures are amusing. I will read the owrds tomorrow.

[The Rack]

How many people were there?

[Peter_Rotten]

How many people were there?

Prove it.

























































44

[The Rack]

44

Prove it.

[Di]

Some rabble-rouser claims that the Shusher will never swing.

I wasn't wrong, asshole. Diablos is never wrong.

[Michael Keller]

The Shusher always swings...bitch!

[Mayk0l]

This is the best, and funniest tournament report I've ever read.
Goyf Sligh is boring as hell though. Why Sligh? Yawn?

[J.V.]

This is the best, and funniest tournament report I've ever read.
Goyf Sligh is boring as hell though. Why Sligh? Yawn?

Goyf Sligh is boring as hell, but that is irrelevent because he played Burning Tog...

[freakish777]

This is the best, and funniest tournament report I've ever read.
Goyf Sligh is boring as hell though. Why Sligh? Yawn?

Because it was a great metagame call, and placed 3 people in the top 8 (one who played in the finals and lost 1-2 coming down to topdecks, after previously beating his finals opponent in the swiss).

[Brushwagg]

Very funny report. I think you have the worst luck in the world. I've never run into any of that shit in the CCB.

[Bryant Cook]

Ahah, congrats. Very entertaining.

[Dxfiler]

TY for the report. Took me a while to click on it realizing you didn't 0-4 the tourney

Also of the 3 in top 8 I liked your version of Goyf Sligh the best.

I appreciate good reports and this definitely was one of them.

- Dave Feinstein

[Skeggi]

Slops:

• Dictionary.com for having that hair-lip kid on their front page. Look, but don't blame me. (Refresh a few times until you are horrified). And I feel bad for you and everything, kid, but you're still not getting any of my money. Now stop popping up in my Newsweeks and random legitimate websites. It would be one thing if I was surfing for something like Snuff Films. I'd be like, "OK, that's what I get for being a sick fuck," but, Chirst, I just want to spell something correctly.

Hi. I would like to come back on this point. You don't have to use that site for spell-checking. I use google. Here is an example:



See? Google clearly saw that I wasn't looking for 'Nourrishing Lich' but 'Nourishing Lich'

[Nightmare]

You said pagina. Hahahahahaha.

[RoddyVR]

You said pagina. Hahahahahaha.

Dam it. Of all the things that i am supposed to be doing here at work... none can cause me to laugh out loud. Now everyone knows i'm not doing any of the things i'm supposed to.

[Afro]

Matt these reports are goods. I am very jealous of your close proximity to the 'Cuse tournaments. You bastard.

[Atwa]

See? Google clearly saw that I wasn't looking for 'Nourrishing Lich' but 'Nourishing Lich'

Still the main question remains:

Why in Christ's name would you want to look for Nourishing Lich?

[J.V.]

Still the main question remains:

Why in Christ's name would you want to look for Nourishing Lich?

To find out that Germany finds Cavius influential?